Just Hope
by ThePictureWriter
Summary: Set after S7 "Beneath You". Short SongFic about Spike's thought's after he is back in the school basement. Spuffy. Drabble. Song: The Wanted - All Time Low.


This is a SongFic to the song "All Time Low" by The Wanted ('cause it was in my head all day the other day). Review please :). Enjoy :D

**DISCLAIMER**: I own nothing! Not the song, or BtVS. If I would, I would probably keep the characters all to myself.. Instead, I just borrow them and play with them while no one's looking :)

It was well after sunset and not a single soul dared to disturb the dark, looming building that was rather intimidating from the outside. Inside, the school corridors were empty and completely lifeless. Have you ever been inside and empty school building? No? Well, I guess you must have gotten rather lucky. To see such a usually lively place dark and deserted can be quite frightening. It is usually completely silent, and if you wander through it, there is not a single sound to be heard except your footsteps.

But not in this school building.

If you listened quietly, someone could be heard down in the basement...

_Praying won't do it _

_Hating won't do it _

_Drinking won't do it _

_Fighting won't knock you out _

_Of my head_

Spike was crouched in the corner, whimpering in his insanity. He had been like this for the past few days since he had come back from Africa, even though he wasn't sure it was days. It seemed like weeks, months or possibly years since he'd stood in that boiling hot cave and asked the wanker demon shaman to restore his soul. Because he wasn't worth anything without a soul.

He wasn't worthy of Buffy.

He'd tried. Oh, how he'd bloody tried! But getting Buffy out of his head was something impossible for him to accomplish. Nothing had done the trick. Before the trip to Africa, he'd drunken himself near oblivion, he'd had bar fights until he was almost more beat up than he was that time the almighty Bitch God had gotten her manicured claws on him, and he'd loathed everyone, everything that he could, drowning himself in hate.

But it was never enough to make the blond hair, green eyes, and beautiful smile go away.

_Hiding won't hide it _

_Smiling won't hide it _

_Like I ain't tried it _

_Everyone's tried it now _

_And failed somehow_

The soul - he'd tried to hide it. Made a bleeding big show about how he hadn't changed; bleached his hair and gelled it back to the way it was before, even managed to hold on to a tiny crumb of his sanity for when he went to Buffy after she saw him in the school basement, but it was no use; Anya had seen straight through him since she was back to being a demon again. He'd tried being his sarcastic un-souled self and grinning around, but it wouldn't work. It would never work.

_So when you gonna let me _

_When you gonna let me out - out_

_And if you know _

_How do you get up from an all time low _

_I'm in pieces it seems like peace is _

_The only thing I'll never know _

_How do you get up, get up_

He would never escape her. He wasn't sure he wanted to, but then again he wasn't sure of anything right now: the guilt of everything was too overwhelming. It was whispering to him at all hours, about everyone he'd ever wronged, while flaunting their faces in his own, always reminding him of the people he'd never looked at twice after he drained them. Guilt was wrecking him, leaving shattered bits and pieces of William, William The Bloody and Spike lying around; he was just scattered shreds of those three personalities now. The guilt would never leave him alone, and he knew it was exactly what he deserved.

_'Cause driving won't do it _

_Flying won't do it _

_Denying won't do it _

_Crying won't drown it out _

_What you said_

All this time he had been trying to forget that night, the one in the bahroom that changed everyting. First it was out of frustration; driving out of Sunnydale, then flying to Africa. When he was standing in that camp in Africa, having finally arrived at his destination, it suddenly dawned on him that her words had been haunting him until that moment.

Not her words; her _screams_. He'd denied it all because he thought he wouldn't be able to stand it if he admitted he was the monster, and he had been right. The moment he'd stopped denying it, it destroyed him, and the slaughter of his newly found conscience began. Later, he had cried to drown the voices out, but to no avail. After that first moment, he was doomed.

_When I'm standing on the yellow line _

_Waiting at the station _

_Or I'm late for work _

_A vital presentation _

_If you call me now girl _

_Without reservation _

_I would try to break through_

If she would have reached out to him from the beginning, and not just screwed him brainless, it might have been different and they could have been happy, but it was too late to dwell on _if_s and _maybe_s now.

_But if you know _

_How do you get up from an all time low _

_I'm in pieces it seems like peace is _

_The only thing I'll never know _

_How do you get up from an all time low_

Truly, he didn't know if he would get any better; if the pain and mid-blowing guilt would ever subside. How did one feel good again when there was nothing to feel good about?

_I can't even find a place to start _

_How do I choose between my head and heart _

_'till it ceases I'll never know _

_How do you get up from an all time low_

_A low, (7x) _

_Can you hear me _

For maybe the millionth time he doubted himself again, wondering why he was foolish enough to come back, and for the millionth time his answer came instantly.

_A low (7x) _

_Can't you hear me _

He'd come back for his heart. For his blood. For his love. It was like he'd told her and the poofter so long ago; "Love isn't brains, children. It's blood; blood screaming inside you to work it's will."

_A low (7x) _

_Can't you hear me _

His blood had never shut up, not even now when he was insane. Even now, it was fighting the guilt, keeping him here in Sunnydale. He would stay, he knew. He would stay because he was a slave to his blood, and he was always love's bitch.

_A low (7x)_

_And if you know _

_How do you get up from an all time low _

_I'm in pieces it seems like peace is _

_The only thing I'll never know _

How would he ever feel anything other than pain? He only knew one answer to that question, and even though a thousand voices were taunting him for it, questioning him, telling him he was unworthy, the answer stayed the same: Buffy.

_How do you get up from an all time low _

_I can't even find a place to start _

_How do I choose between my head and heart _

_till it ceases I'll never know _

_How do you get up from an all time low_

How he would start doing something about thatanswer, he didn't know. The only thing he could hope for was that she had somehow sensed he wasn't all bad, that maybe there was someone left over that she could save.

_I can't even find a place to start _

_How do I choose between my head and heart _

_till it ceases I'll never know _

_How do you get up from an all time low_

The most he could do know was wait, pray, and hope.


End file.
